Welcome to the second installment of my new dick-lit series “The Tranny Diaries” … the movie will be out in the spring. Anne Coulter is attached to star. (zing)
worst response to a question: hot tranny honesty
There are some things you don’t expect to hear from your guy friends… even when you’ve heard them before. Or read, that is, in an IM.
Some say honesty is the best policy. They may not have considered hot tranny honesty. That’s when you innocently engage in an IM conversation, and get an answer like this:
Me: what you been up to?
Him: Fucking trannies.
Me: Seriously?
Him: Ya dude.
…
And then there are some things you don’t expect to say yourself.
Me: Wow.
Me: How many?
Given his use of the plural, I thought it was a fair question.
Let it be a lesson, next time you drive down Santa Monica Blvd between Vine and Highland at 3am, remember that everyone deserves love.
And, presumably, some trannies are more charming than others…
“I can’t believe it’s not butter.”
-brendan
There are some things you just don’t expect to hear from a guy friend.
But one particular guy friend has supplied me with the two best instant messages I’ve ever received. Hollywood has already bought the rights to the following two posts, which I’ll post back to back, you know, to symbolize the duality that is the tranny.
worst place for a tranny surprise: at work
Hint to anyone whose work computer is connected to a large monitor in order to show the room what’s on your screen… disable your instant messanger.
If you don’t, your friend may send the following AIM so that it pops up, like a surprise attack, in the middle of working on a script:
“so, I hooked up with the tranny last night”
Well, what does one say? Amidst the laughter I did my best to defend him. “She actually does look like a girl,” I said. But ultimately it was concluded, with the sensitivity one can expect to find in a room of comedy writers, that beauty (and perhaps gender) is in the eye of the beholder.
Trannies, more than meets the eye.
-brendan
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-burk27-2009jul27,0,3198482.story
No, this isn’t an article from the fake newspaper The Onion. This is an article from the fake newspaper The LA Times. And notice it took two writers to do this one.
Really? She’d been looking forward to her life? A 17 year old girl was excited about the prospects of not dying? Thank God the LA Times has reporters and editors that can really get to the heart of a story, and treat it with the sensitivity and grace it deserves. Surely there was no better headline… I understand this one was chosen over other headlines such as:
“murder victim unavailable for questioning”
“parents of dead teen would rather have her alive”
“dead senior proven right: all that homework was a waste of time”
“slain teen known to enjoy breathing, waking up”
Someone take the LA Times off life-support already.
-brendan
PS this was good fodder as a headline, but the story of this poor girl’s death really is sad and unnerving especially as an LA resident.
Note to my family: for the future, if it’s the anniversary of my grandmother’s death and we’re going to go to her grave with my widowed grandpa, make sure to arrange it around my vacation itinerary, otherwise I will apparently say something like…
“Maybe it’s selfish, but I only have 14 days and I don’t really want to spend 1 of them being sad.”
Maybe? 
I didn’t mean it like that, Grandma!
-brendan
It’s intermission at a new play in New York, “reasons to be pretty” by Neil LaBute. I am standing in the lobby waiting for a friend. I am standing around awkwardly. I turn around and I see Keanu Reeves, also standing awkwardly in the lobby, also alone. I looked at him, and we locked eyes for a split second. That’s when I knew it was really him. I thought, “That’s cool, that he can come here alone and casual, a big star like him.” Fawning over stars isn’t my style, so I calmly looked back at my phone and left him in peace. Wrong move, Clifford.
Then, as if to say “Hey, I’m Keanu Reeves”, he awkwardly positioned himself right next to me, daring me to ignore him. He leaned on the counter where copies of the play were being sold, literally upstaging the play. And then he waited. Awkwardly. I looked back at him, but did not make eye contact. How could I? He’d win. It took about 30 seconds, and then a girl came up.
Fan Girl: You’re Keanu Reeves right?
Keanu: Yes, hello.
Fan Girl: Wow. I love you.
Keanu: Yeah.
I almost laughed out loud. He went on to say the play was “really well acted.” Yeah. Instead of all that dialogue, LaBute should have just put up a chronology of Keanu’s career…
“reasons to be pretty” indeed.
-brendan
I’ve got news for all the “lucky” same-sex couples who managed to get married while it was legal in CA… you can never get divorced! 
I hope it always stays this good… cause you’ve got to stay together, just to spite Prop 8.
Unlike all the other married couples who are allowed, nay expected, to get divorced, you are part of a weird loop hole in our illogical government. So put on a smile, and good luck Gay Americans Who Were Lucky Enough to be Married In That Freak 6 Month Period When America Was Cool.
-brendan
