The Worst List

worst guy talk: the tranny diaries (part 2)

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 14:26:00 -0700

Welcome to the second installment of my new dick-lit series “The Tranny Diaries” … the movie will be out in the spring. Anne Coulter is attached to star. (zing)

worst response to a question: hot tranny honesty

There are some things you don’t expect to hear from your guy friends… even when you’ve heard them before. Or read, that is, in an IM.

Some say honesty is the best policy. They may not have considered hot tranny honesty. That’s when you innocently engage in an IM conversation, and get an answer like this:

Me: what you been up to?
Him: Fucking trannies.

Me: Seriously?
Him: Ya dude.

…

And then there are some things you don’t expect to say yourself.

Me: Wow.
Me: How many?

Given his use of the plural, I thought it was a fair question.

Let it be a lesson, next time you drive down Santa Monica Blvd between Vine and Highland at 3am, remember that everyone deserves love.
And, presumably, some trannies are more charming than others…

“I can’t believe it’s not butter.”

-brendan

worst guy talk: the tranny diaries (part 1)

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 14:02:00 -0700

There are some things you just don’t expect to hear from a guy friend.

But one particular guy friend has supplied me with the two best instant messages I’ve ever received. Hollywood has already bought the rights to the following two posts, which I’ll post back to back, you know, to symbolize the duality that is the tranny.

worst place for a tranny surprise: at work

Hint to anyone whose work computer is connected to a large monitor in order to show the room what’s on your screen… disable your instant messanger.

If you don’t, your friend may send the following AIM so that it pops up, like a surprise attack, in the middle of working on a script:

“so, I hooked up with the tranny last night”

Well, what does one say? Amidst the laughter I did my best to defend him. “She actually does look like a girl,” I said. But ultimately it was concluded, with the sensitivity one can expect to find in a room of comedy writers, that beauty (and perhaps gender) is in the eye of the beholder.

Trannies, more than meets the eye.

-brendan

worst headline: "slain girl had been looking forward to her life"

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 14:08:00 -0700

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-burk27-2009jul27,0,3198482.story

No, this isn’t an article from the fake newspaper The Onion. This is an article from the fake newspaper The LA Times. And notice it took two writers to do this one.

Really? She’d been looking forward to her life? A 17 year old girl was excited about the prospects of not dying? Thank God the LA Times has reporters and editors that can really get to the heart of a story, and treat it with the sensitivity and grace it deserves. Surely there was no better headline… I understand this one was chosen over other headlines such as:

“murder victim unavailable for questioning”
“parents of dead teen would rather have her alive”
“dead senior proven right: all that homework was a waste of time”
“slain teen known to enjoy breathing, waking up”

Someone take the LA Times off life-support already.

-brendan

PS this was good fodder as a headline, but the story of this poor girl’s death really is sad and unnerving especially as an LA resident.

Worst Way to Woo Blacks: With Fried Chicken and Potato Salad

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 10:57:57 -0700

Michael Steele wants Black America to know that the GOP is listening…to stereotypes.

Worst Burger King Rip Off: King Burger

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 01:04:03 -0700

Now I know what you are thinking, and you’re wrong. King Burger is TOTALLY different than Burger King. It’s all about the back story. See, Burger King is about a king who is really good at making burgers…King Burger is about a burger who is really good at making burgers.

Don’t hate! Burger King probably has a 1 star rating on Yelp too.

No, wait…Burger King has a 4 star rating on Yelp. (Here’s a question - why would anyone rate Burger King on Yelp?)

worst sign of the times: my conversation topics

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 11:31:35 -0700

I may not be at the point where I receive facebook invites to rainbow parties, or twitter about the regularity of my blinking, but you know it’s gotten bad when you catch yourself saying a sentence like this… outloud, and in complete earnestness:

“I’m working on a screenplay I wrote for my blog.”

Yes, my people are having lunch with Diablo Cody’s people. The future is here.

(obligatory but awesome future image)

-brendan

worst reason to disrespect the dead: vacation itinerary

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 10:59:38 -0700

Note to my family: for the future, if it’s the anniversary of my grandmother’s death and we’re going to go to her grave with my widowed grandpa, make sure to arrange it around my vacation itinerary, otherwise I will apparently say something like…

“Maybe it’s selfish, but I only have 14 days and I don’t really want to spend 1 of them being sad.”

Maybe?

I didn’t mean it like that, Grandma!

-brendan

Worst Rap Performance: The Young Cons (Dartmouth's Conservative Rap Group) on the Mike Huckabee Show

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 10:57:00 -0700

Deep down, all republicans want to be liberals. Funny, gay, rapping liberals.

[via dailykos]

Favorite lines include:

“My conservative view is ‘Drill Baby, Drill’ - you can say you hate me but I’m praying for you still.”

AND

“The standards of my crew ain’t republicans, dude. I’m repping Jesus Christ and conservative views.”

Worst Gift Given to a Girlfriend: Art of Myself + And a Giant Jar of Homemade Pickled Sausages

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:30:00 -0700

randyliedtke:

A girl that I was dating in college and I decided to do a “Homemade Christmas” and make gifts for eachother. I’m pretty sure I pushed the idea onto her partially because it was a cheap way to do Christmas, but mainly because I thought it was an adorable stereotypical couple thing to do and I was super into this girl.

I started brainstorming immediately, I was too excited to narrow it down to just one gift so I settled on two…. ready for it? “Art of myself”, and a “giant jar of homemade pickled sausages”.

“Art of myself” because I was in an artsy phase, constantly painting and drawing. And “giant jar of homemade pickled sausages” because she liked pickled things and recently told me about a dream she had about pickled sausages. I don’t remember if pickled sausages were a good or bad part of the dream I just remember they were involved in the dream. Either way I had made up my mind.

A friend of mine Kate Bappe was an art major at a college near where I was going to school at the time and I had her teach me how to screen print. She helped me make a screen printed picture of myself, which turned out really great, but looking back a definitely wierd and self indulgent present. Just today I got a text from my ex-girlfriend

exgirlfriend: Moving today. Pulled this out of the closet just now.

me: That’s rad. U gonna toss it?

exgirlfriend: I don’t really know what to do with it…

me: Umm Idolize it?

me: Or fart on it

exgirlfriend: I choose both

When I gave her the gifts we were at her parents house, I bet they were real proud of their daughters boyfriend choices at that point. She took out a pickled sausage and took one bite out of it, and then fed the rest to her dog in front of me. Then put the Jar in her parents refrigerator. She gave me a knitted scarf for my present which I liked at first, but then saw the gift she gave to our mutual friend Lindsey which was knitted fingerless gloves/mittens which were way better and more difficult to make. Before I left I asked her if she was going to eat any more of the pickled sausages and she said no. So I took the jar home with me. The pickled sausages stayed on a book shelf in my apartment for about a year after we broke up, which wasn’t too long after “Homemade Christmas”. I still sort of on the fence whether these gifts were the Worst or Best gifts given to a girlfriend, but based on how well they were received and for the sake of this blog, I’m leaning towards Worst.

Worst Gift Given to a Girl that’s not a Girlfriend: A white thong that I ironed on a picture of my face on the front.

This worst is from comedian Randy Liedtke. Click on his name to read his very funny blog. Submit your worst! Email us at worstlist@gmail.com.

worst argument against toilet paper: the comfort wipe

Fri, 12 Jun 2009 15:44:00 -0700

“Think about it, toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting.”

[via YouTube]

Oh man, the fat guy is the saddest. He pretty much admitted on television that he has trouble cleaning himself on account of his very fat ass. Now that’s what I call a career crushing gig!

worst awkward encounter: keanu reeves, celebrity

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 10:37:20 -0700

It’s intermission at a new play in New York, “reasons to be pretty” by Neil LaBute. I am standing in the lobby waiting for a friend. I am standing around awkwardly. I turn around and I see Keanu Reeves, also standing awkwardly in the lobby, also alone. I looked at him, and we locked eyes for a split second. That’s when I knew it was really him. I thought, “That’s cool, that he can come here alone and casual, a big star like him.” Fawning over stars isn’t my style, so I calmly looked back at my phone and left him in peace. Wrong move, Clifford.

Then, as if to say “Hey, I’m Keanu Reeves”, he awkwardly positioned himself right next to me, daring me to ignore him. He leaned on the counter where copies of the play were being sold, literally upstaging the play. And then he waited. Awkwardly. I looked back at him, but did not make eye contact. How could I? He’d win. It took about 30 seconds, and then a girl came up.

Fan Girl: You’re Keanu Reeves right?
Keanu: Yes, hello.
Fan Girl: Wow. I love you.
Keanu: Yeah.

I almost laughed out loud. He went on to say the play was “really well acted.” Yeah. Instead of all that dialogue, LaBute should have just put up a chronology of Keanu’s career…

“reasons to be pretty” indeed.

-brendan

worst thing knitted: coat hanger

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 18:32:00 -0700

So you’re knitting a scarf huh? Typical. See, I think outside of the box. Which is why I’m knitting this piece of metal that’s in my closet, just in case it gets cold in the winter. Listen, I may or may not be insane.

Next up: my frying pan. Sure, it may be flammable but on the other hand, I’m an idiot.

-elisha

worst thing memorized for a girl: Sisqo’s dance from the Thong Song music video

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 13:35:00 -0700

Pat posted last week about how he memorized Will Smith’s dance from the Men in Black music video in the hopes of impressing a girl. Not surprisingly, I also memorized something retarded for a girl…

THE DANCE TO SISQO’S THONG SONG

That’s right mother fuckers, I chose a song about thongs when I was trying to impress a girl.

In case you’ve forgotten, the hot jam starts as follows:

This thing right here
Is lettin all the ladies know
What guys talk about
You know
The finer things in life
Hahaha
Check it out

I had never seen a thong at this particular point in my life. Yet there I was, gyrating as if to say “Hey girl. I’ve got truck-sized dumps of my own.”

Loyal Worst List readers, we ask you - who was the bigger asshole? Me or Pat?

-elisha

worst theme park ever created: Dinosaurland

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 11:58:00 -0700

As you can see from the photo below, “Dinosaurland” is a small pile of dirt in the homemade sandbox my parents built in our backyard. As the eldest child, I demanded it be deemed Dinosaurland.

We needed the sign because, without it, people wouldn’t know what the fuck they were looking at.

-elisha

worst place I've cried: at the office

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 08:50:00 -0700

Why did I leave the door open? I could have shut it. But I was preoccupied. And, as a guy, I can count on pretty much NOT crying on a moment to moment basis, especially while at work. So when my eyes filled with tears, and the flood gates opened, complete with sniffles and heavy “oh my” sighs, it was unexpected.

But god damn it…when Tim gives Dawn the paints, color me a blubbering mess. And I don’t care which co-workers were walking by at the time…Yes, I’m crying. No, no one died. No, I’m not in the middle of a break up, or a quarter-life crisis. I wasn’t fired. And I definitely haven’t just received a secret santa gift from a friend (who I should be marrying instead of that asshole), symbolizing my dreams which have been suffocated by the drudgery and mediocrity of the working world. None of that. I just fucking love British TV.

-brendan

PS spoiler alert

POLL: Vote for the WORST worst of the past week!

Sun, 31 May 2009 17:26:38 -0700

It’s that time again. Time to make your voice heard. Which did you think was the worst worst of the past week?

Winner gets an awful prize.

THIS WEEK’S WINNER HAS TO GET AN UP-TO-DATE LASER PORTRAIT OF THEMSELVES!

Who amongst us wasn’t duped by this totally awesome ploy? Photo via We Have Lasers!

“School portraits are dumb. What’s that? Lasers? Okay, I’ll take the premium package. YES!! Of course I want 10 2x3 wallets and 6 1x2 billfolds! Mother fucking LASERS!”

Be an informed voter! Scroll down to read any of the posts you haven’t read yet. They’re all on page 1.

worst accessory worn: yin yang studs

Fri, 29 May 2009 19:07:00 -0700

You know what goes great with studded yin yang earrings? A bowl cut and a boatload of regret.

There was nothing balanced about my decision to wear these.

-elisha

worst time had feeling up a girl: when she read a book the whole time

Thu, 28 May 2009 14:09:00 -0700

I hadn’t seen breasts before. She hadn’t finished reading her book. It was a fair trade.

Did I mention she was reading The Diary of Anne Frank? Because she was. Which means that I felt guilty complaining about the situation on account of the Holocaust.

“How’s the book? Good? Oh, don’t mind me. I’ll just be down here pretending to enjoy myself. What’s that? Yeah, you’re gonna have to stop talking about the Holocaust.”

-elisha

worst thing memorized for a girl: Will Smith’s dance from the Men in Black music video

Thu, 28 May 2009 12:15:00 -0700

1997 Catholic junior high dances were high stakes fuck fests where men were made or broken… no wait… they were actually as awkward as Andy Dick being blown by a slippery platypus. Let’s face it, talking to girls is hard now, but remember back when you had a zit for every fluctuation in your voice?

I thought an “in” would be to fully memorize Will Smith’s sweet steps with that CGI alien, and then pull it out “randomly” at a dance.

I positioned myself next to my crush and asked her to dance- forgetting that the dance portion doesn’t hit until 1:30 into the song. I stood around swaying like a jackass with no moves, distracting my crush until the breakdown and then jumped in to the fully choreographed dance… you know, “randomly.” Of course my serious ploy was laughed at. Suddenly, a circle formed around me- one of humiliation and ridicule. A circle that has followed me since.

-pat

worst handshake: when i had pee on my hands and i said it was water

Wed, 27 May 2009 18:10:00 -0700

I was really drunk and I panicked.

Who introduces themselves to someone who just came out of the bathroom anyway? Everyone stop doing that. If you don’t, this is bound to happen to you.

Water and Pee: They may smell different, but they feel the same.

-elisha