A girl that I was dating in college and I decided to do a “Homemade Christmas” and make gifts for eachother. I’m pretty sure I pushed the idea onto her partially because it was a cheap way to do Christmas, but mainly because I thought it was an adorable stereotypical couple thing to do and I was super into this girl.
I started brainstorming immediately, I was too excited to narrow it down to just one gift so I settled on two…. ready for it? “Art of myself”, and a “giant jar of homemade pickled sausages”.
“Art of myself” because I was in an artsy phase, constantly painting and drawing. And “giant jar of homemade pickled sausages” because she liked pickled things and recently told me about a dream she had about pickled sausages. I don’t remember if pickled sausages were a good or bad part of the dream I just remember they were involved in the dream. Either way I had made up my mind.
A friend of mine Kate Bappe was an art major at a college near where I was going to school at the time and I had her teach me how to screen print. She helped me make a screen printed picture of myself, which turned out really great, but looking back a definitely wierd and self indulgent present. Just today I got a text from my ex-girlfriend
exgirlfriend: Moving today. Pulled this out of the closet just now.
me: That’s rad. U gonna toss it?
exgirlfriend: I don’t really know what to do with it…
me: Umm Idolize it?
me: Or fart on it
exgirlfriend: I choose both
When I gave her the gifts we were at her parents house, I bet they were real proud of their daughters boyfriend choices at that point. She took out a pickled sausage and took one bite out of it, and then fed the rest to her dog in front of me. Then put the Jar in her parents refrigerator. She gave me a knitted scarf for my present which I liked at first, but then saw the gift she gave to our mutual friend Lindsey which was knitted fingerless gloves/mittens which were way better and more difficult to make. Before I left I asked her if she was going to eat any more of the pickled sausages and she said no. So I took the jar home with me. The pickled sausages stayed on a book shelf in my apartment for about a year after we broke up, which wasn’t too long after “Homemade Christmas”. I still sort of on the fence whether these gifts were the Worst or Best gifts given to a girlfriend, but based on how well they were received and for the sake of this blog, I’m leaning towards Worst.
Worst Gift Given to a Girl that’s not a Girlfriend: A white thong that I ironed on a picture of my face on the front.
This worst is from comedian Randy Liedtke. Click on his name to read his very funny blog. Submit your worst! Email us at worstlist@gmail.com.
