As if meeting a girlfriend’s parents wasn’t stressful enough, toss in the fact that we had said meeting over a lunch of Jewish vegan food while sitting on a deck situated over a bees’ nest. This is a setting as comfortable as being upside down and naked in front of your landlord while scorpions fall from the ceiling.
Bees were fucking everywhere- and I’m terrified of bees. I’m also terrified of girlfriends’ fathers. I’m equally terrified of vegan spinach dip hardened into squares.
I had to play it cool though, obviously I can’t show her parents she’s dating some sort of bee fairy. But they were on my food, in my juicy juice and then… on my face.
I froze and broke down. I couldn’t move or breath and it felt like I suffering through a nightmare. Imagine having your biggest fear doing it’s “wiggle dance” on your face in front of two people you absolutely cannot act strange in front of.
Her 10 year old brother noticed the bee headed towards my eye and decided to do me a favor by blowing on it- to which her father said in all stone cold seriousness, “Don’t do that, that’ll make it sting crazy.”
Let’s just say I almost had to title this entry “worst place I’ve shit my pants.”
-pat
