August 2009
2 posts
8 tags
worst guy talk: the tranny diaries (part 2)
Welcome to the second installment of my new dick-lit series “The Tranny Diaries” … the movie will be out in the spring. Anne Coulter is attached to star. (zing) worst response to a question: hot tranny honesty There are some things you don’t expect to hear from your guy friends… even when you’ve heard them before. Or read, that is, in an IM. Some say honesty is...
8 tags
worst guy talk: the tranny diaries (part 1)
There are some things you just don’t expect to hear from a guy friend.
But one particular guy friend has supplied me with the two best instant messages I’ve ever received. Hollywood has already bought the rights to the following two posts, which I’ll post back to back, you know, to symbolize the duality that is the tranny. worst place for a tranny surprise: at work Hint to...
July 2009
4 posts
7 tags
worst headline: "slain girl had been looking...
http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-burk27-2009jul27,0,3198482.story
No, this isn’t an article from the fake newspaper The Onion. This is an article from the fake newspaper The LA Times. And notice it took two writers to do this one. Really? She’d been looking forward to her life? A 17 year old girl was excited about the prospects of not dying? Thank God the LA Times has reporters...
6 tags
Worst Way to Woo Blacks: With Fried Chicken and...
Michael Steele wants Black America to know that the GOP is listening…to stereotypes.
5 tags
Worst Burger King Rip Off: King Burger
Now I know what you are thinking, and you’re wrong. King Burger is TOTALLY different than Burger King. It’s all about the back story. See, Burger King is about a king who is really good at making burgers…King Burger is about a burger who is really good at making burgers.
Don’t hate! Burger King probably has a 1 star rating on Yelp too.
No, wait…Burger King has a 4...
9 tags
worst sign of the times: my conversation topics
I may not be at the point where I receive facebook invites to rainbow parties, or twitter about the regularity of my blinking, but you know it’s gotten bad when you catch yourself saying a sentence like this… outloud, and in complete earnestness:
“I’m working on a screenplay I wrote for my blog.”
Yes, my people are having lunch with Diablo Cody’s people. The...
June 2009
9 posts
6 tags
worst reason to disrespect the dead: vacation...
Note to my family: for the future, if it’s the anniversary of my grandmother’s death and we’re going to go to her grave with my widowed grandpa, make sure to arrange it around my vacation itinerary, otherwise I will apparently say something like… “Maybe it’s selfish, but I only have 14 days and I don’t really want to spend 1 of them being sad.”...
5 tags
Worst Rap Performance: The Young Cons (Dartmouth's...
Deep down, all republicans want to be liberals. Funny, gay, rapping liberals.
[via dailykos]
Favorite lines include:
“My conservative view is ‘Drill Baby, Drill’ - you can say you hate me but I’m praying for you still.”
AND
“The standards of my crew ain’t republicans, dude. I’m repping Jesus Christ and conservative views.”
6 tags
Worst Gift Given to a Girlfriend: Art of Myself +...
randyliedtke:
A girl that I was dating in college and I decided to do a “Homemade Christmas” and make gifts for eachother. I’m pretty sure I pushed the idea onto her partially because it was a cheap way to do Christmas, but mainly because I thought it was an adorable stereotypical couple thing to do and I was super into this girl.
I started brainstorming immediately, I was too excited to...
3 tags
worst argument against toilet paper: the comfort...
“Think about it, toilet paper is really archaic and disgusting.”
[via YouTube]
Oh man, the fat guy is the saddest. He pretty much admitted on television that he has trouble cleaning himself on account of his very fat ass. Now that’s what I call a career crushing gig!
6 tags
worst awkward encounter: keanu reeves, celebrity
It’s intermission at a new play in New York, “reasons to be pretty” by Neil LaBute. I am standing in the lobby waiting for a friend. I am standing around awkwardly. I turn around and I see Keanu Reeves, also standing awkwardly in the lobby, also alone. I looked at him, and we locked eyes for a split second. That’s when I knew it was really him. I thought,...
4 tags
worst thing knitted: coat hanger
So you’re knitting a scarf huh? Typical. See, I think outside of the box. Which is why I’m knitting this piece of metal that’s in my closet, just in case it gets cold in the winter. Listen, I may or may not be insane. Next up: my frying pan. Sure, it may be flammable but on the other hand, I’m an idiot.
-elisha
7 tags
worst thing memorized for a girl: Sisqo’s dance...
Pat posted last week about how he memorized Will Smith’s dance from the Men in Black music video in the hopes of impressing a girl. Not surprisingly, I also memorized something retarded for a girl…
THE DANCE TO SISQO’S THONG SONG
That’s right mother fuckers, I chose a song about thongs when I was trying to impress a girl.
In case you’ve forgotten, the hot jam...
8 tags
worst theme park ever created: Dinosaurland
As you can see from the photo below, “Dinosaurland” is a small pile of dirt in the homemade sandbox my parents built in our backyard. As the eldest child, I demanded it be deemed Dinosaurland.
We needed the sign because, without it, people wouldn’t know what the fuck they were looking at.
-elisha
5 tags
worst place I've cried: at the office
Why did I leave the door open? I could have shut it. But I was preoccupied. And, as a guy, I can count on pretty much NOT crying on a moment to moment basis, especially while at work. So when my eyes filled with tears, and the flood gates opened, complete with sniffles and heavy “oh my” sighs, it was unexpected. But god damn it…when Tim gives Dawn the paints, color me...
3 tags
POLL: Vote for the WORST worst of the past week!
It’s that time again. Time to make your voice heard. Which did you think was the worst worst of the past week?
Winner gets an awful prize.
THIS WEEK’S WINNER HAS TO GET AN UP-TO-DATE LASER PORTRAIT OF THEMSELVES!
Who amongst us wasn’t duped by this totally awesome ploy? Photo via We Have Lasers!
“School portraits are dumb. What’s that? Lasers? Okay, I’ll take the...
May 2009
34 posts
8 tags
worst accessory worn: yin yang studs
You know what goes great with studded yin yang earrings? A bowl cut and a boatload of regret.
There was nothing balanced about my decision to wear these.
-elisha
13 tags
worst time had feeling up a girl: when she read a...
I hadn’t seen breasts before. She hadn’t finished reading her book. It was a fair trade.
Did I mention she was reading The Diary of Anne Frank? Because she was. Which means that I felt guilty complaining about the situation on account of the Holocaust.
“How’s the book? Good? Oh, don’t mind me. I’ll just be down here pretending to enjoy myself. What’s...
9 tags
worst thing memorized for a girl: Will Smith’s...
1997 Catholic junior high dances were high stakes fuck fests where men were made or broken… no wait… they were actually as awkward as Andy Dick being blown by a slippery platypus. Let’s face it, talking to girls is hard now, but remember back when you had a zit for every fluctuation in your voice?
I thought an “in” would be to fully memorize Will Smith’s sweet steps with that CGI...
8 tags
worst handshake: when i had pee on my hands and i...
I was really drunk and I panicked. Who introduces themselves to someone who just came out of the bathroom anyway? Everyone stop doing that. If you don’t, this is bound to happen to you.
Water and Pee: They may smell different, but they feel the same.
-elisha
7 tags
worst way to say goodbye: not understanding it's...
I wouldn’t be a white guy in Japan if I didn’t meet a Japanese girl. Naturally, I met her at the top of a mountain hike in the dark of night. This particular girl, like most, didn’t speak English. Not at all really. And like most Japanese girls, she looked like she was 16 but was actually 32. I found this out through the old Japanese woman I was hiking with, who looked to be...
7 tags
worst reason to stay in a bad relationship: prop 8...
I’ve got news for all the “lucky” same-sex couples who managed to get married while it was legal in CA… you can never get divorced!
I hope it always stays this good… cause you’ve got to stay together, just to spite Prop 8.
Unlike all the other married couples who are allowed, nay expected, to get divorced, you are part of a weird loop hole in our illogical...
5 tags
worst place i’ve gotten an erection: a funeral
Ok look. I’m no necrophiliac. Those college days are over. But I was 15 years old once and got sporadic boners more than I did ideas. Honestly. Guys who are over with puberty know - random erections are just a way of life. It’s one of puberty’s miracles - but it’s a lot like Carlos Mencia - inappropriately embarrassing, annoying and a huge bulging fat dick. Meanwhile. My next door neighbor died...
6 tags
worst thing overheard in dance class: "look i'm a...
There was one conservative student at my hippie performing arts high school. This fact alone didn’t make her a Nazi.
What made her a Nazi was how she felt comfortable publicly exclaiming “Look, I’m a swastika!” while excitedly pointing to her arms and legs, which were stretched in a way that resembled a swastika.
If my memory serves me correctly, her assertion was...
5 tags
POLL: Vote for the WORST worst of the past week!
It’s that time again. Time to make your voice heard. Which did you think was the worst worst of the past week?
Winner gets an awful prize.
THIS WEEK’S WINNER HAS TO WEAR AMERICAN APPAREL’S UPCOMING LINE OF ASSLESS TIGHTS!
Because why not go all the way with the whole “our ads are like pornography” thing? Be an informed voter! Scroll down to read any of the posts you haven’t...
7 tags
worst place i’ve passed out: in a dragon fly nest
“The Saco” is a twenty mile long, slow moving river that people casually float down, pitching camp on its river banks as they go. You can also casually drink seven warm “Captain and Cokes,” casually puke underwater to hide the fact that you’re a pussy in front of your friends which in turn casually causes your canoe to run ashore after which you casually collapse in a dragon fly nest.
I...
7 tags
worst relationship comparison: "we're like that...
Yeah. I did that. I was 16 and she was the first girl I kissed. She was giving me a slow no, so I had to do something drastic:
“Hey, I really like you and I know you are not really ready for anything serious right now. I totally understand that. You know, if you think about it, we’re like that song ‘Sometimes’ by Britney Spears. Because, well, sometimes you run, and...
8 tags
worst threat made: the destruction of female...
8 year old, adorable, me is getting a haircut next to my twin brother Jordan. You might say we had a rival haircut going. The opposing hairdresser thought she could be playful… try to have fun with us. Little did she know the kind of fun I had in mind.
Hairdresser: “We’re gonna finish first and kick your butt.”
8 Year Old Me: “Well I’m gonna kick you in your...
7 tags
worst song uttered in public without thinking:...
I was at a restaurant with some friends and found myself singing the theme song to “Keyes on Van Nuys” (a local car dealership) aloud. There was no prompt. It was just me belting “Keyes! Keyes! Keyes! Keyes on Van Nuys!” mid-conversation, like some sad little robot who’s wires had just short-circuited. It bothers me that a part of my brain is being used to store this...
8 tags
worst place to sleep: next to 80 naked Japanese...
When the subways stop running at midnight, and the hostels are closed, you have options in Japan at 3am…
Like sleeping in a public bath, in a room filled with rows and rows of neatly laid out Japanese men who have just been bathing together.
To sweeten the deal, the lights are kept on, dim, and there is crazy Japanese TV playing on big screens on the wall… you know, to help you...
5 tags
[GUEST WORST] worst handjob ever given: with her...
oldmanweldon:
It’s probably not a coincidence that it was also the first handjob she had ever given, but my first girlfriend thought I’d be really into anything I could get (apparently), because not only did she refuse to look down at the penis she was working (“They’re gross!”) but she also was sitting on my thighs while I lay on her bed, so that she could block the line of sight from the...
4 tags
worst pair of favorite jeans: jnco jeans
About 10 sizes too big, worn 5 years too long.
If you ever “grew into” your JNCO jeans, it meant you were “about to die on account of being morbidly obese.”
-elisha
4 tags
POLL: Vote for the WORST worst of the past two...
It’s that time again. Time to make your voice heard. Which did you think was the worst worst of the past two weeks?
Winner gets an awful prize.
THIS WEEK’S WINNER HAS TO TWEET THE NEXT TIME THEY ARE HAVING SEX.
Be an informed voter! Scroll down to read any of the posts you haven’t read yet. They’re all on page 1 + 2.
7 tags
worst time had watching porn: on a 56k modem
Remember those days? Back then, we had to walk 10 miles to get to our house where we waited 15 minutes for a sexy jpeg to load. Seriously, I think at best I was able to see one boob before I finished.
-elisha
5 tags
[GUEST WORST] worst collection ever: Homies
cwneill:
When I was a freshman in college I had a massive collection of “Homies.” If you don’t know what Homies are, they are the small figurines that are sold in the 50 cent machines outside grocery stores and in pizza joints. At least once a week we would go on “homie runs” to the local Waremart in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, today was the day one of us would get the illustrious “P....
5 tags
worst case of accidental racism: “oh no you don’t,...
Yeah that’s terrible. But little did my neighborhood’s new African American mail woman know - I was actually talking to my rowdy Cocker Spaniel, a black dog my fourth grade self cleverly named “Blackie” while in a common fit of poetic originality. Ultimately this seemingly innocent mishap did not spare me her words of “Fuck you, hater.”
9 tags
worst rendition of the animal house ladder scene:...
Long story short, I’m having a movie-worthy high school party. The parents are out of town and thanks to the urging of a few sketchball friends, my quaint suburban home has been transformed into the coolest sexpad in all of Amherst, Massachusetts (aka the only sexpad in all of Amherst, Massachusetts).
Probably because they wanted me, but most likely because they had a few too many...
7 tags
worst travel advice: "download the Lost in...
If you go to Japan, what else would you put on your ipod BUT the soundtrack to the moody indy darling about Americans in Japan?
Sometimes life does imitate art, but you’re not supposed to force it to. Is this what we’ve become? I don’t want Japanese people to think us Americans are lazy and unoriginal… oh, wait…
But while I’m there I will say hello to Mr....
7 tags
worst question my mom has ever asked me: "are you...
Because I was depressed, you see? Now does it make you vomit less? It shouldn’t.
A normal mom would say “aw, honey…you should get out more…maybe find a nice girl to date?” Not my mom. She decided to act like the sidekick in a coming of age comedy movie - certain that all I really needed was to get laid by midnight! Then she ends up having sex with my mom and I get...
7 tags
worst christmas card ever: from Creed with love
from theduty:
Saw this in my tumblr dashboard today. Had to repost. This is totally the worst Christmas Card I’ve ever made.
-Scott Stapp
6 tags
worst use of facebook's 'like' feature: thumbing...
Seriously, I don’t care what they meant by it…I would never click the word “like” next to a story about child rape.
-elisha
7 tags
worst thing said by a girlfriend’s father: “don’t...
As if meeting a girlfriend’s parents wasn’t stressful enough, toss in the fact that we had said meeting over a lunch of Jewish vegan food while sitting on a deck situated over a bees’ nest. This is a setting as comfortable as being upside down and naked in front of your landlord while scorpions fall from the ceiling. Bees were fucking everywhere- and I’m terrified of bees. I’m also terrified of...
6 tags
worst commercial watched with my parents: girls...
Growing up, my parents made my siblings and I watch commercials with the sound off. In their mind, they were helping to curb the affects of commercialism - forgetting, of course, that television is a visual medium. Shutting the sound off only helps a young child focus more intently on the toys, breasts, and bottles of beer dancing across the screen.
One night, we’re watching The Daily Show...
4 tags
worst thing I've been compared to: kermit
I don’t care if you think he’s “cute.” He’s also green and a frog.
-elisha
8 tags
[GUEST WORST] worst dirty talk I've ever heard:...
When I lived in the UK some weird Canadian girl started talking to me at a club about stuff we miss from North America and pickles came up, and I ended up hooking up with her and for some reason all her sexy talk related to pickles or how whatever we were doing would make you forget about missing pickles, which was really hard not to laugh at. Like “give me that (filthy word)…who...
4 tags
worst attempt at emulating someone: Andy Kaufman
Top 3 Kaufman-inspired original pieces, as performed by 16-year-old stand up comedian Elisha Yaffe.
#3 “I have to go to the bathroom” - Half way through his set, Elisha exclaims that he has to “go to the bathroom.” - He returns five minutes later to find that the entire audience left.
#2: “I’m the funniest man in the world” - Elisha announces that he is the funniest man in the world, and that...
6 tags
[GUEST WORST] worst thing said to a girl after...
cwneill:
The year was 2001. I was a senior in high school, I had terrible acne, and I had yet to receive a blow job, ever. All my friends told me if I went to homecoming with “Sally” (not her real name, of course), she would totally let me fool around with her after the dance. Feeling pressure from my peers more than ever I very awkwardly asked “Sally” to the dance, and she said yes. ...
4 tags
POLL: Vote for this week's WORST worst!
It’s that time again. Time to make your voice heard. After taking a week off (sorry!), we’re back to polling. Which did you think was this week’s worst?
Winner gets an awful prize.
THIS WEEK’S WINNER HAS TO WEAR CROCS TO THE NEXT WEDDING THEY’RE INVITED TO!
6 tags
worst reason I’ve been naked: so my neighbors...
I can leave my blinds open if I want. It’s their fault for looking out their own window.
Those girls across the street should know that peeping is a crime…
I don’t know what they’re waiting for. I’m done dancing for the day.
-brendan
8 tags
worst attempt at discreetly hotboxing my car:...
Also filed under “worst attempt at hotboxing in general” considering my windows were rolled down. This is what happens when you try to be economical about getting high. You end up getting high and stop believing in money or time.
One plan that wasn’t ruined: My plan to eat chips and salsa while driving. Speaking of which, they should call cup holders “salsa...